Blind in One Eye and Dating / Relationships: When Do You Tell?

Being blind in one eye is mostly not a big deal, but it does have occasional irritations. One of those is whether to talk about it with other people or not. I don’t talk much about it with other people unless there is a good reason for doing so, like doctors. There are some people do know, and that has been a mixed bag; sometimes it’s no big deal, and other times it’s been a problem.

Dating is a complicating situation, though, for a lot of reasons. I’ve been there. I’m also now married, with a wife who is fully aware of my situation. I can’t speak for everyone, but here are my thoughts on dating and monocular vision.

You don’t need to talk about it on the first date.

At some point you may need to talk about it, especially if the relationship gets serious. The time you meet is not that time, in my opinion. Yes, it’s a part of you, but it’s not the most important part of you. Not remotely. Any first date, or first conversation, with another person ought to be about other things.

In fact, I’d go a step further and point out that the most important part of a first date is getting to know the other person. Don’t worry about yourself. Learn about them. This is more general relationship advice. But it’s also about them getting to know you as a person, and your personality and character are more at the core of who you are.

So no, I would not advise starting off a lunch date by saying, “Hi, my name is Josh and I’m blind in one eye.”

You should consider it if the relationship looks like it might go somewhere.

If you’re together with someone long enough that you’re actually thinking about giving the person a title other than their name — boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, boo, soul mate, you name it — you need to think about it, and probably earlier rather than later. There are lots of good reasons for doing it earlier rather than later. Earlier means that if it’s a problem for the other person, the relationship ends before things get too serious … because the more serious a relationship gets, the more it hurts when it ends. I don’t even want to imagine someone getting engaged and then their fiancee finding out they’re going to marry someone who has monocular vision and they didn’t know about it.

So, not on the first date, but before things get serious.

(And if things are getting serious on the first date, you might want to slow down a bit. Just my opinion.)

When you tell them, be honest and upfront about the good and the bad

The other person is liable to be surprised and not sure what to think, especially if it’s not obvious you are blind in one eye. They may have questions. One way you can help out is by talking a little about the good and the bad. For example, in my case, it might (and did) look like this:

“One thing you should know about me is that I’m blind in my right eye. It’s a limitation in some ways but not in others. I can’t do much catching, but other than that it hasn’t really impacted my life too much. I can drive and do most other things in life I need to do.”

They may have questions, and they may not. Depends on the personality.

They may need time to process

My wife is one of the most incredible people I know, but even she admitted to me that she had to process it when I told her. She had to think about what it meant in terms of a possible life together. Ultimately she decided that it wasn’t a huge deal, and it hasn’t been. But she had to think it through anyway.

Not everyone might feel that way, and you don’t need to make a bigger deal out of it if it is. But be prepared for them to have to think about it, especially the day you tell them.

It’s okay to feel hurt if it ends the relationship

The risk in telling a significant other is that they might end the relationship. You pretty much have to tell them at some point … and there is a risk it could lead to the end of the relationship.

If they do, you may feel hurt. I understand. (Trust me.) My advice to you is to calmly and politely let them go. Don’t make a big deal about it … not in front of them, at least. In private or with close people you trust, be as hurt or angry as you need to be. But with them … be calm and polite. It was a deal-breaker with them and that’s it. People have lots of deal-breakers in relationships. Chances you have some, too.

Later on, you might be thankful it ended — you want someone who accepts you for who you are — but at the time you won’t feel that way. That’s okay.

Also, there is always a chance that the person might change their mind, of course, but don’t bet on it. That’s the kind of dangerous thinking that can mess with you. By being calm and polite, you keep the door open that they might come back, but in the meantime, move on!

Know that good things can still happen to you

Having monocular vision is not a relational death sentence. Not by a longshot. I know many people, myself included, who are blind in one eye and have wonderful, happy, meaningful marriages with people they can’t imagine living without. So know that it is very possible.

Thoughts? Concerns? Let me know in the comments.